riffin' off everyone else
So, I tried to post a comment over at
Trixie's joint about what she said
here, but it kept turning into a novel. I couldn't just say what I wanted without it being super long. So I stopped trying, and decided to just say it over here, where I have free license to ramble on as long as I want.
Then Miss G went and got all sick, and we certainly hope she feels better! Soon! A lot!
So, anyway, like I was saying. Along the lines of what she said, but different, really- we went to a wedding last week. It was lovely, the reception was fun, I hate heels, and at some point, decided that dancing was a good idea. It was not, of course.
In the course of the evening, though, the flowergirl's dad and I were talking. We've known each other for quite a while, although we don't see each other anymore- except for things like this. At some point I guess the whole group of these people we'll only see at weddings AND funerals, but thankfully we haven't had a funeral in the group for years.
So, I recall when the flowergirl was born there was some kind of 'issue'. Don't quote me on it, because at the time I was busy not getting pregnant and being remarkably bitter about other people's babies, so I didn't pay much attention, but I
think it was something along the lines of a pre-term birth following pre-eclampsia or something of that nature.
Something that was VERY scary at the time, and potentially VERY bad, but in the end, turned out to be ok. She's clearly doing great now. Cute as a button and all that.
So... I was talking to her dad, someone who used to be in our circle of friends, someone who knows Noel's diagnosis. We were making the 'how fast do they grow up' small talk, and he mentioned they were only having one child. That it was harder than he expected, and he certainly couldn't do it twice. And I smiled and nodded and said, yeah, it is hard, and excused myself and found someone else to talk to. Because in the back of my head, I was screaming at him- "You don't know how easy you have it, mister. Hard? She's going to go to school and be JUST like everyone else. Hard? Have you ever flown into a rage because someone at the table behind you said the word retard the WRONG way? Hard? Did YOU do what we did? No? Then it's not hard."
And that's not fair.
Not only is it not fair because I don't know what is hard about it to him- maybe there's something going on that I have absolutely no knowledge of, and his wife (also a friend) didn't bring it up- but who am I to decide why other people should or shouldn't have more kids? The thought of it is rediculous, obviously. If they don't want more, then so be it. It's their own personal choice, one in which I would never involve myself. And who decides how hard is too hard? Don't know, but it's positively NOT me.
And I don't want pity, and I don't want anyone to tell me that my life is harder then theirs (because A) it's not a contest; and B) it's not), but see? This is why I brought this back to my own space- becuase it's long and similar, but not at all helpful.
I feel the same way, sometimes, Trixie- and that's what I was trying to say all along.
So, following with the stealing other people's stuff, here's another:
Ellie, who is three, can count to twenty. This makes me happy becuase if you read the thing her mom wrote (
here about it, there wasn't any super giant push for learning, no Down syndrome specific teaching tools, just plain old Dora (like every other three year old I know). I worry that I'm not spending as much time making every second a 'teaching moment' as maybe I should be. That maybe Noel will not progress as far as he could because I'm not saying 'red block?' for the eleventy bizzilionth time when he picks up a toy to chew on. That the previous times I've said the color or whatever just isn't enough, and it's the time that I don't do it that will make him miss something.
It's just mom-guilt, I know. But it soothes my brain a little to know that Ellie can count to twenty, all on her own.
Yay, Ellie!
stupid mom question...
The question really isn't that stupid, and the mom in question isn't either. But still, I feel like I should know the answer to this, and I have no idea.
How much does YOUR one year old, still breastfed baby eat?
In memoriam
For RoseMarie (our EI). We are thinking of her family tonight.
Like you care.
No, truthfully, probably not. After a very long break, guess what showed up here yesterday? Yeah, my period. (see? told you you didn't care) It had been 22 months without, so to say I was surprised would be an understatement.
Now, to normal people, this would be just something to note. For me, though, it is the opening of a door. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean I'm not still infertile. And being infertile, with the return of this whole cycle shebang, I'm all of a sudden back in the game. And I don't know how I feel about that, and I don't know what we're going to DO about it, and I know I want to have more kids, and I don't know if we should be thinking about when at this point in time.
The whole stupid situation has so many sides. First of all, I'm still nursing Noel. I'm not interested in weaning him- we're going for the 'optimum' according to WHO, which is 2 years. Pregnancy can diminish or even stop milk supply, so that would be cutting off Noel before I'm prepared to do that.
Then there's the matter of him still being such a baby. If we did have another, I'd be splitting my attention, and would that be detrimental to Noel? Don't know. Would it be better in the long run because he'd have a sib to help him out? I think so, but in the beginning, I think it would be more harmful than helpful. I'm guessing here.
BUT
The big but in all of it, though, is that there's no way to know how long it will take to get me pregnant again. There's no way to know if we can do it for free or if it will take the same amount of, uh, effort as it did the last time. Should we try now, right out of the gate? What if it works? What if it doesn't? I'm tempted to just let it ride, and not worry about it (yeah, right), but is there some return to fertility window that we might miss?
If the option is to get it now or pay later, I'm thinking I'd opt to screw the timing and take it now- to skip the heartache of treatment would be nice. But what about Noel? But what about any of it?
Ugh. I don't even know where to begin.
In much lighter arenas, though, I've decided to buy a new
strollerfor the trip to
Jazzfest.And my dad is crazy. Maybe that's a story for a different day, though. (there's a sixth wedding in his future, although if you remarry your ex-wife, is that counted in the #?) Yeah. Different day.
Hello!
Something occurred to me the other day. It requires some backstory, so I'll try to keep that bit concise or I'd be retelling the entire past year and a half, and that would take forever. Here goes.
Remember that time, way back when, and I was
about to start IVF? I was scared and a little hurt, as this was NOT the way things were supposed to be.
And then I
got pregnant, and that was pretty scary, too.
And then there was the
the first inkling that something was amiss.
And then
we knew.And it was scary, and not how things were supposed to be. And I could not possibly wrap my head around it, how the positive things that other parents who had babies with DS said could be true. And I concluded that they were in denial.
But then...
this happened, and I understood it a little better. Maybe all those people were not so much in denial, as maybe they had
gotten over it.
But now? I'm starting to realize that isn't exactly right, either. Because getting over something implies that there was a time that you were NOT over it. Was I over it before Noel was born? I don't think that's a fair assessment because I was busy being NOT over a set of mystery problems. There wasn't anything concrete to be over or not over, it was all a bunch of maybes.
After Noel was born- was I 'over it'? Nah, I had leapfrogged straight into the friggin atmosphere, dude. Since then... it's been day by day. But no more than anyone else, with any other number of chromosomes, really, I think. I was worried about rotovirus. I freaked out a bit over the first cold he came down with. I was tired. Just like every other mom on the planet.
The thing is, though, that I couldn't comprehend before- is that our life is exactly the same as it would have been with a typical baby. What's different? Well, he's not walking or crawling yet. And that makes our day-to-day life different how? Not at all. He's not talking yet. Again- different how? It isn't.
I still change diapers and make mooshy food and nurse him and say, 'Noel-ee, where's your head?' and every other thing that typical parents of typical kids do. And he cries when he's teething and laughs at daddy with his silly faces and jumps a little when a big truck goes by.
And a very close family friend has a 21 year old son who was in an automobile accident. Major head trauma. There isn't any guarantee that typical babies born to typical parents have it any easier.
My best friend is having her baby- soon. Preterm. She got the second of the steroid shots yesterday to try to prep the baby's lungs, as she's only 31 weeks gestation.
This is life. It happens every day. It's hard, and it sucks sometimes, and we're most certainly not going to make it out alive.
The thing is, though, that I've heard all of these things before, and I knew them to be true, but didn't quite get it. And last week we were doing birthday party stuff and had friends over and it occurred to me...
I've become one of them- the parents that I
just didn't understand. The 'un-naturally happy' ones, and I think I know why.
I know the secret. The secret is that anything can happen TO YOU. We like to think that bad things only happen to other people... but really, that's not true. I haven't figured out yet how this makes me better than everyone else quite yet, though, so stick around. I'm working on it. Ha.
Noel's one year old pedi visit was great. All his bloodwork came back exactly right on- good thyroid, good CBC, good whatever else we checked. We are very lucky. The only little bitty thing is that Noel is a little bitty thing. Pedi wants us to try to add calories to the sprout's diet, as he stayed the same, growth chart-wise in head circumerence and length, but dropped in weight to 'really damned tiny'.
And still, I know, we are so fortunate. (and I know that to someone looking in, it would maybe not seem that way at all)
Happy birthday, Noel!
Easter was great, at the great-grandparent's house. In earshot, but not directly
to me, the G.gramma suggested we look into something called a
miracle belt, as it helps with
Noel's condition.
I bit my cheek and said nothing. The husband heard all about it in the car on the way home. I googled this magical device, and found that it actually has nothing to offer us, really.
Am I supposed to be grateful that they're at least thinking of things that may be helpful? Or can I just go with the gut reaction and be pissed? 'Cause that's what I'm leaning towards, thanks.
On the one hand, we were defending the diagnosis for quite a long time. (yes, he
really has DS. no, it's not terribly apparent right now. no, he won't just grow out of it)
On the other, now that we're not doing that so much, it seems that maybe they expect him to be an invalid. Forever.
I can blame it on the fact that it's a different generation, but it just sort of defies logic. And pisses me right off.
just phoning it in
So, I'm watching the electric company trim trees, and 'helping' Noel keep his sippy cup off of the floor and generally not doing much productive anything. I did, however find a few things that entertain me while dinking around blogs and the greater internet area. Here. Look at things. I'm still a little fried from moving, thanks.
| Your Brain is Green |
Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance.
You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver.
You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual). |
And, by the way, I found that from a link to
Lion and Magic Boy. I'm now in friend-crush. Shoowee. I'm linking, by the way. So there.
Time to watch the trees fall again.
