Well, there was the great spotting incident of Sunday; light, brown, stopped before Monday morning. Still, though. I have great disbelief when I read that it's 'usually nothing'. Usually my ass. Anyway, because it stopped so fast, and was truly no big deal, I tried really, really hard to not freak out over it. Haha. I'm better now, though.
Also, my heart is just breaking for all of the gulf coast. That was one wicked hurricane- and I know I've mentioned my blatant infatuation with New Orleans. We go every year for Jazzfest, and whenever else we get a chance. To see the destruction there is shocking, stunning. If I thought that I could go and be helpful instead of just a drain on much needed resources and in the way, I would. Instead, I'm just sending money.
Regardless, the money is the least I can do. When you consider that there is still massive flooding, the power can't be turned back on, gas lines are broken and leaking, people are still trapped in their attics, there are bodies floating down the river... money seems so lacking. My thoughts are with the people affected by Katrina.
Salvation Army
American Red Cross
Network for Good
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Midwifey
So, I showed up to my appointment an hour late. I was sure that we said 2 when I scheduled, and that's what time I got there- but on arriving home, the big calendar of our life clearly said 1. I'm the dumbass.My social graces notwithstanding, the appointment went very well. I met with one of the owners, a CNM who, along with her mom- a LM, has three birth centers in the area. I toured the facility, I sat and chatted about labs that I don't need to have done, and I made a second appointment.
I'm very seriously considering cancelling the appointment I have next week with the OB. I want to go to the birth center. It was warm and friendly, and the receptionist (student midwife) and the daughter-owner were both wonderfully sweet.
The big question becomes, then, where do I want to have this blob- in a hospital or not? That's the question. Not if I like the OB or if I like the midwives- because I'm sure they both have their attributes. The OB is highly recommended. My RE specifically said to me that if I liked her style, I'd like this doctor, too. I trust that, and I trust that my RE wouldn't suggest I go to someone who was not competent. So it's not an issue of which provider would adequately treat me, because they'd both be able to. They're both SO different, though, you can't really compare.
And what I want- what I really, really want... is the birth center.
See, while I may have a high-tech outside, the chewy center is really granola.
Monday, August 22, 2005
7w1d
The live baby check went according to plan, and the blob is bigger with a heart that is still beating. Still not exactly sure when this is supposed to feel like something real, but I guess it's getting more tangible with every passing day. I guess.I'm officially released from my RE- my first prenatal appointment is this Friday. First of two, I should say. My second appointment with a different practicioner is next Wednesday. This week I see the birth center/midwife option- honestly my first choice. It just feels right to me, and what I envisioned long before we got into all this hyper-medical treatment. Not that I'm knocking medicne, obviously- I wouldn't even be entertaining the notion of all this without the technology. I just think that it has a place, and as long as I'm healthy and the blob is healthy, we don't necessarily need much intervention.
I'm a little overwhelmed, though, at the thought of going from super high tech straight to crunchy granola. So I've made an appointment with a regular OB who does regular deliveries at a regular hospital for next week. I hope that meeting both options will help me decide between the two.
I hope that the urge to yell, "It took IVF!" to anyone who looks at me gets easier to quash- because that's about where I am now. This wasn't easy, and I don't want people thinking it was. I don't know why.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Ugh. I don't like this.
I know, all I do is bitch about waiting. I know, I'm ridiculously boring. Sorry.So far here's what I know:
- The betas all doubled appropriately
- The ultrasound was good
- The blob had a heartbeat and it was good
- There is no reason to think that anything bad has happened, given all the information available
Unfortunately, knowing those things and thinking something bad has happened are two completely different situations. I felt wretched for a couple of days in a row, then felt fine (and had the sono after feeling better, so obviously everything was ok). I've felt fine ever since- and given the option, I'd rather feel OK. I felt really, really bad- like shots of tequila hangover bad. But knowing that I felt bad and it was directly related to the blob and now nothing? Scary. Boobs have been fluctuating in size ever since the beginning, so that 's nothing new, but now they, too, are just normal. Not sore (even though it comes and goes), not bigger, not as vein-y.
Should I be concerned? Probably not. No spotting, no bleeding, no cramping.
Knowing it isn't helping me. I'm still concerned. Next live baby check will be Monday. Can't wait.
Monday, August 15, 2005
would you believe...
that there's really a little thing in there? That it has a heartbeat? That we saw it, and it was very, very good?Yeah, I had a hard time with it, too. But it is true, believe it or not.
Unfortunately, I also have a subchorionic hematoma in there, too. It's almost as big as the sac, and right next to it. RE says that it's not a big risk, because I haven't had any spotting or bleeding so far. I can only take her word on that. It's too awful to think otherwise.
Return visit on Monday- ostensibly to check on the damned hematoma, but I just want to see the flicker again.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Slower than Christmas
The days, they roll on by, no doubt about it- but must they be so slow?Sonogram appointment is next Monday, the 15th (6w1d), Last beta was good, at 3994 with a doubling time of 48 hours. It looks like things are going along the way they're supposed to, but I wouldn't know the difference anyway, I don't think.
I wonder if I'll be more sure of this after we can see something? As it is, I'm getting better about wrapping my head around being pregnant, but only in the immediate. Not in any long term way- I can't visualize myself getting bigger, or us actually changing one of the rooms here into a nursery. For that matter, I can't actually picture a flesh and bone kid turning up here, either. It's all very strange. Especially when my thoughts are often, "What did we DO?" How is it possible to go to such extreme measures to get pregnant and then when it happens be totally overwhelmed at the prospect?
It all gets better, doesn't it? This is what we wanted all along, so the shock has to wear off at some point, right?
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Help!
It's not major, thankfully, but gross.So, last night my PIO leaked. Up until recently, I think I've been pretty lucky with the injections- sore, yeah, but not lumpy or super painful. That's changed. About 2 days ago I noticed the lumps. Big, solid, yucky and sore. That sucks, but what are you gonna do? I complained some and that was about it. Then we had a bleeding incident- no blood in the syringe at first, but upon withdrawal- well, there was blood. I would maybe not catergorize it as "gushing", but it was more than I expected for sure. Happens. Didn't fret too much- again, what is there to do about it? Not much, I think.
Last night, we got the leakage. T pulled the needle out of my ass, looked at it, and said, "well, looks like this side's full." Great. I still have close to two weeks of this to go (my clinic stops the PIO at the first sono and switches over to the pessaries).
What can I do about the lumps? The leaking?
Here's what we're doing now- ice before, stab, massage a little bit, heat a little bit. Last night I heated a little more afterwards, dozed for a few minutes, woke up, decided that I had a brand new al dente embryo, and discovered MORE leakage. Anyway, if there's anything that helps these stupid shots, I wish someone would tell me. Please?
Friday, August 05, 2005
It might just happen
Went up to 1019, a doubling time of 36 hours. It's doubling, and within the timeframe needed, and we're over the first hurdle. OK, not the first, obviously, but the first pregnancy hurdle.Next beta is Tuesday, but I'm not sweating that yet. I'm thinking that the next panic attack will come with the sonogram- not for 10 days. Hopefully this Tuesday won't incite any freakouts.
I can't believe we got this far. The whole thing feels pretty abstract at the moment.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Tomorrow...
I swear, I've been really good about not totally freaking out in between last beta and this next one in the morning. I haven't even watered another test. Pinky swear! Then again, I couldn't possibly bring myself to buy another one, seeing as how I already used eighteen up to the day of the first beta. Yeah, that's a lot. Wanna make something of it?Anyway, second beta is tomorrow at 8:30. I get results before 1:30- on Tuesday I got the results at 11:30. Think nice big numbers, will ya? I'd really, really appreciate the good thinks in my direction.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Don't mind me-
I'm just pregnant. Beta results in- 255. Well within the range of acceptable levels.My mother in law just got her notification- her bouquet of daisies from the blob. She called me practically in hysterics. Still waiting on my mom's floral delivery, but it should be coming soon.
That happy thing I want- it's stil not like the Hallmark card version, but I'm not much of a greeting card kind of girl, anyhow. But this telling the moms? Oh, it's helping. Knowing that the beta is decent is helping. Friday's beta will help. I bought some pregnancy contraband before I knew the outcome, and it doesn't really help, but I like having it in the house. Feels like it lends some credibility. Besides, ON SALE. Cutie little top and these darling capri pants.
Also? I just got a call from my RE. She has NEVER in all the months and months (um, I think we're up to 19 months together now) called me personally. Never. Called to say congratulations. So, um, that's pretty cool, even though she did the careful wait-and-see-next-beta routine.
This is pretty fucking exciting, this maybe baby thing.
Monday, August 01, 2005
At 13dp3dt
Alright, it's certain (at least for today), I'm pregnant. Tomorrow is the beta. I know the outcome- it will be positive. But will it be a good, solid number? Will it rise appropriately for the repeat on Friday? Will this actually work?I don't know. I will have a better idea by 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Seeing as how I've been assured that I am, in fact, producing hCG, and it will be detected tomorrow, I've already made arrangements to have flowers delivered to both my mom and T's mom. They're already chomping at the bit to know the outcome- and we've held them both at bay so far, but they both know that tomorrow is beta. They know we'll know something, and they're both expecting a phone call to share.
I'm not sure that I like them both knowing right this minute, but then again, in the event that this all goes down the pisser, more moms is probably better than no moms. My mom's got the chicken soup and hugs and T's mom is great at liquor and cigarettes. All the bases are covered there.
I'm still not really feeling the giddy happy thing that I wanted. I know that it's probably gone, given the road we had to walk to get here, but it feels wrong. Where is the chick from the ept commercial, smiling and glowing? Not here, that's for sure. Here there's just me. Squeezing my boobs and watering the sticks and hoping that it lasts this time.
Thankfully, beta is only 13.5 hours away, and the results are within the forseeable future.
