the wheels have started turning
So. It has begun. Closed the doors on the fifth IUI this morning. It was expected, but still.
I go in tomorrow for the bloodwork (the CF carrier status, the HIV/Hep, the Rubella immunity, etc). I will schedule the saline sono while I am there tomorrow for hopefully sometime next week. Then we will be all the way up to signing consents and paying deposits... and it's on.
Oh, this is scary. Oh, how I hope it will work.
I never in a million years really thought it would come to this. I've gotten pregnant before! We're unexplained! Surely there's some mistake; we're not all the way down to IVF. We haven't exhausted the treatment options yet- we couldn't have. But we have, and this is where we are. I am grateful to have the insurance coverage to be able to try this, otherwise we'd be stuck at IUIs forever.
This is such unfamilliar terrain. I know a lot about what we're doing, although it doesn't feel like enough. Should we PGD? What are the reasons to ICSI? Will T be able to give me the IM shots?
This is so big. I feel tiny in the face of it.
Well, um, hi.
I contemplated welcoming all my new visitors by inflicting my opinions about Terri Schiavo, because it's practically
in my backyard, but decided against it. It's been national news for what? A few days? A week? But this has been in the local news forever. I'm growing really tired of all the coverage. Also, my mom's in town, and honestly, I can't even begin to think about having any other arguments with any other human person for a week. Well, at least until she goes home. It's maddening, really. She puts the television on Fox News for hours at a stretch. We listened to RUSH LIMBAUGH in the car yesterday, people. It's really bad.
I know she birthed me and all, but geez. I think it's time for spring break to be over.
Not that I don't totally adore my mom. I just like her a LOT better when she isn't in my house for almost a week.
Right. So, anyway, within the next week I should have the HIV/HepB and C, CF carrier thingie, and the rubella immunity stuff handled. Barring any unforseen double lines in the next week, the saline sonogram will be soon, and after that I think we're full steam ahead: IVF. Very exciting, in a hurry up and wait kind of way.
Oh, and that too.
I almost forgot the IUI details. Not that it's the most interesting reading, but whatever. I had 2 follicles on each side- three for sure, because one was on the small side at 16mm day of trigger. So all in all, maybe four follcles. Post wsh count of 29 million.
Not the best we've done, not the worst either. I don't think I hold any major expectations for this go-round, though, since Clomid hasn't worked in the four other tries, why would it work now? Of course, why wouldn't it? Who knows. It just feels like it's another step to IVF, not so much another attempt at pregnancy.
I'm just thrilled to have gotten the IUI done and over with- it was a little dicey there with that whole work schedule thing.
Glad it's Friday, too. Yay!
So, then he said...
Well, just to start out with, we're not fighting anymore. Thankfully. I hate fighting like that. I get all flustered and out of control. Not psycho out of control, just completely unable to make my point known without snivelling and crying and having my voice go up several octaves. And I hate that, more than anything. Normally I'm not like that. Normally I'm the one that can stay on track and calm about whatever disagreement there is.
But back to the thing. So we had
that fight- the one where I got told that I'm obsessed with trying to get pregnant, and I'm consumed by this thing- this infertility. And to that I say, "duh."
Of course I am. It's only been three years, and we've only done (almost) every thing under the sun to make it work, and we've only had two miscarriages. Only. Right.
We sorted it out. I think he's just scared half to death that at the end of this I won't be the person he thought he married. I'm a little scared of that, too, but right now, what is there to do about that? We can just keep plugging along, finishing this cycle, starting the next when it's time to do that. We can't just stop- any more waiting would truthfully be the end of my sanity. He doesn't want to stop, either. I asked. He said absolutely not. So it's not the trying that seems to be the issue here. I have been extrordinarily lucky, in that I never had to prod or cajole to have him do a semen analysis, to start with the IUIs, to come with me to any appointments necessary, not even when we started tossing the IVF talk around. He's always been around for everything.
I know that he was more affected than he let on by the last miscarriage. I know that he was probably busy making sure I was alright. I know that he's worried about me. I think I'm ok, though. We do other things. We go places. We're in the process of remodeling some of the house. There are other topics of conversation around here, although it doesn't seem like it sometimes.
I know that it's hard on both of us, even while I think I'm the one that bears the brunt of the work involved. I'm the one that has to show up for appointments, I'm the one that has to take the meds- injectable or otherwise, I'm the one that has to figure out timing for rubella vaccinations and make appointments for HIV tests and all of that. Obviously I think about this more often.
This is all straight out of the Infertile's Guidebook, isn't it? The chapter entitled, "Word for word, yes, everyone has this fight?"
It gets better, right?
End of the line, coming up
You know, when we first started treatment, I truthfully believed that each new thing would work. First it was Clomid- and that's such a big change from doing nothing (ha)- I thought it would do the trick. No such luck. Then we tossed in the IUIs, and that was different, with the trigger and the syringe and all that. I thought that we couldn't miss then. But that wasn't it, either. So we added the Gonal-f to the IUI party, and I figured- well, hot damn! Now we're onto something. Besides, it all
felt so productive; all the bloodwork and sonograms and injecting... but that wasn't quite it, either. I mean, it worked a little bit, but that wasn't enough. Not at all.
So, here I am, back at step two, taking Clomid, and having the fifth and final IUI required by insurance before they'll cough up the cash for IVF. Which will be in May. Which scares the daylights out of me, because after that, there isn't anything else. I mean, we can do two cycles with insurance, and we can probably do one on our own, but three cycles of this, and it's over? This is the end?
So I'm not thinking about it. Instead I'm thinking that we still need to have our CF carrier status stuff taken care of, I need to have the saline sonogram done next cycle, I need to be checked for rubella immunity, we need to do the HIV/HepB-C tests.
And I'm still trying to get done with this stupid Clomid cycle- yestserday was the last day of pills, Monday is my midcycle. IUI sometime this coming week, if I can get there in time from work- next week is SUCH a bad week to be trying to do this, but what else am I going to do?
I'll tell you what I'm going to do: drink beer and eat crawfish and maybe dance a little, if I move my mouth when I count the steps- one,
two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight; because this is the weekend of the
Crawfish Festival, and today is the day we're going. We are going to have BIG TIME fun today, people. I am happy. I am not stressed about the total trainwreck that could be next week's IUI scheduling. Because I will be busy not thinking about it, for maybe just ONE day. I'm gonna try.
Oh, boy!
I'm so
pretty!
First of all, thanks to
Richa, who did
this for the benefit of hapless souls like myself who can't HTML their way out of a wet paper bag. Many, many thanks.
And to
Jen, who found it first. Most appreciative.
I'm on for tomorrow's baseline. Clomid, pill of the hot flashes and mood swings, here I come. I
hate Clomid. Really, I do. I hate waiting for IVF more, though, so here goes.
Of course, nothing is easy around here, and true to form, this will be no picnic. On Friday I got a surprise addition to my work schedule, so instead of having nothing to do Monday but get blood pulled and the dildocam, now I have to leave immediately after the REs to drive two hours away to photograph fifteen kids. That's four hours of drive time, almost two hours of setup/breakdown time, and maybe an hour and a half of actual photographing. Seems like a waste of time, to me, but what do I know- I'm just the grunt that has to lug all this equipment around.
Then Tuesday doesn't sound much better- my work area includes some schools that the previous photographer had. He's since moved up in the world, and some of the schools have had him as their photographer for close to ten years. They don't know me and don't want to, on occasion. Tuesday's director told me in no uncertain terms that she was NOT happy about me coming (as opposed to him). And they have LOTS of kids- it's gonna be a long, hard, unfriendly day, I think.
On the bright side, we're supposed to have tickets to the Social D show tonight. Unfortunately, if the guy that was supposed to hook us up didn't come through, we're fucked- it's a sold out show. I guess we'll know how it turns out tomorrow, but I hope he took care of it.
But for now, we have to get ready to go to a Steeplechase. Can't say that I know too much about this, but my father wants to meet us there, and it sounds entertaining, at least. I just want to see the Jack Russells race. Haha.
New plan! New plan!
So, at my consult, I was offered a Clomid/IUI- but my dr said she'd rather not take a step backwards. It took no convincing, because I hate Clomid, oh, boy, do I. So, the old plan was made- wait until after work is done for the season (less than 80 days, now), and do the fifth and final Gonal-f IUI, then start into the IVF stuff.
Well, upon later inspection and calander checking, that is going to take forever. Figure that I can start the IUI mid-May, that puts us at mid-June when it's over. Then a cycle in between (mid-July), then suppression(August), then stims. Then ER and ET. Then another wait. Cripes, I'd be at work again before we found out if it worked or not! I don't have that kind of patience, not even a little.
Here's the new plan. Take the Clomid/IUI offer. Be done with the fifth and final IUI NOW. In fact, if things go well, I can start next Monday. That way, we can start suppression while I'm still working, letting me start stims the second I get done with this season. Much better.
Now all I have to do is stress over timing- a midcycle sono, and the actual IUI- I'll need to do some dancing to get them done. Hopefully it'll work out.
